If I want to test my brakes, then I'll test my brakes.

I don't need the passenger of this car to open their door as I'm riding next to them to discover that they work ok.

That's a $14.52 fine, you arse.

I really don't mind tattoos, but when planning on decorating yourself for life, why aim to look like a knob?

And why on the face?

And why not think of your own design and have a theme?

I fine you $3.77 for a lack of originality and a wasted opportunity.

It may be possible to look cool when smoking a pipe, but for this man's attempt falling so short of that, I fine him $1.79

Unbelievable.

Sitting in the garden of a cafe having brunch with a friend and this woman walked next to the fence (on the other side from us), squatted down and had a piss.

Shameless.

And the result is a $21.77 fine - maybe a lenient amount.

Sitting next to me in a cafe, she said to her friend:
"Can you keep a secret? Well ... it's not a secret, I just don't want anyone else to know."

Um ... so that's a secret then.

$2.38 fine dumb arse.

Hat or hair?

A standard $1.25 hair fine.

Another clear $1.25

Any questions? Sheesh - a $1.19 fine for the confusion

(Face now covered to protect myself at work)

If I wanted to be annoyed by you, then I would have said, "Please whistle in the office".

But I didn't, so stop whistling, you arse.

A $2.27 fine as it is a first time offense, but you've been warned.

(Face now covered to protect myself at work)

For standing in the office and loudly having an argument with somebody over the phone, we now know that you are an angry and impatient man.

Thanks for sharing - you loser - now pay the $4.15 fine.

(Face now covered to protect myself at work)

I am clearly not a fashion guru, but I do recognise mistakes.

His jacket sleeves were rolled up as were his shirt sleeves. He wore his shirt collar over his jacket lapel. The jacket was too short and didn't match his trousers. The shoes were a bit odd.

I believe that this one is worth a fine of $1.99

A standard bad hair fine of $1.25 plus an additional $1.07 for the colour choices

Having dinner with friends and this troll was shouting out the cafe window to her mate.

She was pissed. She was annoying.

So she should shut the hell up and pay a fine of $3.41

I mean .... really?

I know it was at an art show opening, but is that really necessary?

I'm afraid that will cost you $1.63 and an offical warning.

At the Etta James story (At Last) starring Vika Bull.

It's a show mate - not a gig.

For regularly talking to your girlfriend rather than shutting the hell up, I fine you $2.14 plus a wish for your arse to explode.

(Face covered to protect myself at work)

As previously mentioned, just because a phone can have keypad sounds, if you are over six years old, then it is not acceptable to use them.

At work, this chap hasn't learned that lesson and therefore receives the standard keypad fine of $6.15

A standard bad hair fine of $1.25.

A click of the photo will reveal that she is lucky not to receive an additional fine.

Tough day at the office?

That's a $2.49 fine for not choosing to do something more wonderful on such a lovely sunny day like today.

Is it a bird? Is it a plane?

No it's the twat who pulled out right in front of me despite there being lots of room behind me.

For that, I fine this loser $2.31

This chap was explaining how the council had made him share a house with eight other guys who used to not wear much and he wasn't into that and therefore left. Apparently they "wanted" him.

Hard to believe.

I fine him $0.79 for the aggressive way that he told his stories.

This nut is standing and ranting at people and things that only he can see and hear.

For being scary and making two children cry, I fine him $2.22.

This couple seemed to have used their son as the reason/excuse for going to the football, yet they were more into it than him.

They had flags that they waved when Geelong scored and were totally absorbed whereas their son seemed less interested and had no flag.

I felt sorry for the lad and fine each parent $0.64

Phar Lap went missing but I've found his tail attached to the back of this knobs head.

A standard bad hair fine of $1.25

Poms are mocked for wearing socks and sandals.

But explain this fashion statement?

Worth a fine of $1.47 at least

Sometimes they just write themselves.

Joffa you are a mess and you are a joke.

But I'll be kind because you have to see yourself in the mirror and I'll only fine you $3.33 for looking like and being a knob.

I was at work, in the lift (elevator) with a few people and we stopped at a floor on the way down and a chap got in and then held the door open waiting for his mate.

And he called out to him and kept the door open whilst waiting about 20 seconds.

To me that is the sort of action that deserves a punch on the back of his head, but that isn't allowed so I'll fine him $2.01 for such selfish and inconsiderate behaviour.

Wait for your mate or get in the lift. They are your options you dick.

I've had to fine Joffa $3.33 previously - for being a knob in black and white.

Today he is a prick in red who I am fining $3.79.

Ok - let's get it out there - it's the fashion - I get that.

Having your trousers low and the undies showing is just how it is - get over it grandad.

But really - look how low these are - how on earth are they not falling to the ground?

Regardless of fashion - this bloke looks like a knob and I fine him $0.37 because I want to.

Thursday 9th May

Some have it tougher than others but as I just had to experience you throwing up into a bin, I fine you $4.12

Saturday 11th May

I know that bright purple isn't a colour that I can do justice to.

Then again, a fine of $3.86 for this knob for not recognising his limitations in not being able to carry it off either.

Tuesday 21st May

In a meeting at work:

".... and that will take approximately a lot of time".

What? So I will fine you approximately a lot - for saying something so vague.

Wednesday 22nd May

On Desert Island Discs, Alice Walker was asked how long it took to write The Colour Purple.

Her answer was, "Almost exactly one year".

Huh? Almost or exactly? That'll be a $0.14 fine.

Friday 31st May

At a show, it is bad enough that this mole chatted to her mate, but joining in a song too?

Get stuffed and pay a $14.71 fine you tosser.

Wednesday 5th June

At the induction at Phillip Island:

"There were approximtely 183 houses here."

Um ... there were exactly 183 houses, so I fine you $1.83

What are these 7 days of the week of which you speak?

Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday.

So the 7th is called Fineday and it comes to $2.52

I have seen lots of dreadlocks and don't have an issue with them.

But to stand behind this smelly filth leads me to fine him $3.97 - yuk.

There have been some bad smells encountered over my years and this chaps breath is right in the mix.

I don't know what he had eaten, but it can't smell any worse when it comes out than what I experienced sitting opposite him on the tram.

So for having poo breath, I fine him $5.02

Thursday 20th June

Luke Ball: "We were all kids at some stage".

Ummmm - what stage would that be? You mean when we were kids?

That's $1.40 for talking drivel, you idiot.

Maybe I should just feel grateful that a full day for me goes beyond 3pm, but this doesn't forgive this wording so that is the standard fine of $3.50 for this exact crime.

Somebody has to take a stand and that person is me.

"I think that having a good keeper in goal is key to any club" (says Carl Muggleton).

What a great insight.

Where else would a keeper be other than in goal?

And I agree, a good keeper is better than having a shit one.

Thanks so much for sharing, but pay a $2.83 fine for such pointless drivel.

Listening to podcast about Jeeves and Wooster, one of the talkers says that she doesn't mind buying the books second-hand as the author is not "currently alive".

I fine you $0.01 per day until P G Wodehouse is alive again.

I mean ... really?

In a meeting and you are eating/munching on carrots and celery!

I'm not deaf you know.

So I fine you $0.73 for such crunching in a confined space when tomatoes and avocado could have been eaten instead.

Listening to a podcast:

"I wouldn't be who I am if I hadn't been to Camp."
"Who would you be?"
"I don't know."

I guess that you'd be somebody who hasn't been to camp?

What drivel. I fine you $1.17 each - now say something interesting.

Five of us sitting together and John started playing a game on his phone!

A $3.17 fine to John and a $0.17 fine to each of the remaining four of us for clearly being boring.

Where to start?

The outfit, the moustache, the hair, the miserable persona?

As you look like this and don't work in a gas station in the mid-west of the US, I fine you $4.14

Sitting on the tram, the chap next to me was on the phone and I heard him say:

"when I posted that I wanted to pin a sperm on her egg, I didn't mean it literally".

Hmmm.

1) "literally" - I assumed not
2) who on earth talks like that?
3) why would you post it anyway
4) you're fined $4.62 for being a knob.

Nixon Hotel: Ordered a cup of tea and when the chap dipped into the spoon tray he pulled out a spoon, looked at it, muttered that it was dirty so put it back in the tray and picked out another - it's probably been rejected many times.

I fine you $1.63 for not just washing it.

Friday 16th August

Walking through Richmond for the Hawthorn v Collingwood game.

A car went by and the passenger shouted at/to me "Ball sack!".

I don't know when my scrotum has ever felt more insulted.

I fine him $1.01 for not explaining the reference.

Sunday 25th August

To the man in JB Hi Fi who farted and pretended that it was somebody else, there is no fine as it was me.

Sorry about that.

Sitting here having a cup of tea and this man farted in my direction with such severity that I think the milk curdled.

A fine of $4.92 for such poor form.

The pissing and spitting man is back and earning a crust cleaning windscreens.

However, having seen the water bottle and noting that it is slightly yellow and has a head on it, I don't think that I'd want that heading my way.

A $0.79 fine for dodgy work practices.

Having a quiet breakfast in Oscar Cooper, and there were two chaps next to me who were clearly in a new relationship where one of them was particularly needy and over-enthusiastic - and was annoying the crap out of me. Some quotes from him as he squealed:

"I can tag you in here? That's the first time you've let me tag you. This is great" (the modern world)

"I was going to ask you for coffee but I don't drink coffee." (pointless)

"I can't believe that they've sold out of tickets. I called yesterday and they had some." (the world doesn't stop for you)

"Wow! I was going to order that as well" (dear god)

A fine of $3.27 for being painful.

We all need to earn a crust, but really? Is he a man who stands there playing air guitar or just a knob?

I fine him $0.35 for drifting into the latter category.

For sitting at the next table to me in a nice Thai restaurant, the fine is for smelling of B O and will cost you a $4.58 fine.

I sat there and watched these two cars pull up. The occupants were unloading and carrying all their stuff off. Next to them were two other parking spaces.

So why did they park in the diabled spaces?

No sign of their disabilities stopping them lugging all their stuff off for some fishing in the rain.

So for taking this brazen liberty, I fine you $10.87

It's great that your grandson shuts up when you incessantly bang two spoons together, but how about you shut the hell up you troll.

A $2.22 fine for annoying everyone but the kid.

I am the one with random fines.

For choosing $541 as a fine amount, I fine you $5.41 for doing the randomness of the amount.

For really bad hair sense and also hiding a woman's body beneath his shirt, a gentle fine of $1.51

The crimes are many, so the fine is $12.83.

Start from the shoes and work up.

Lordy!

This may seem unfair, but I am fining this chap $0.47 for delaying my journey by me having to move all the way around him.

Upon arrival

12 hours later

Started the day in Las Vegas - flew to Salt Lake City - flew on to Denver.

A fine of $76.71 to Delta Airways as they have misplaced our luggage.

Knobs

For trying too hard to look down, out and miserable, I fine you $1.38.

You're not fooling anyone, you loser.

Saturday 5th October

If this had been a hat, then the fine would be less.

But this was the hair and it can't be forgiven.

So a fine of $1.25

Sunday 6th October

For being excessively German/Bavarian in a built-up area, I fine this chap $3.06.

Tuesday 8th October

For sitting in front of me with hair that hasn't been washed for at least two weeks, I fine you $8.37 - you smelly pig.

Wednesday 9th October

I will forget that diet, but I won't forget the your/you're error

Wednesday 16th October

Ummmm ...... to be kind, I'll only fine her the standard 'bad hair' amount of $1.25 but it looks like a bigger crime than that.

Support act to Women in Docs.

Dedication before one song was, "This is for somebody that I know".

What a great tale - thanks for sharing.

Why even say anything at all you loser.

That's a $1.19 fine and it's not for somebody - it's for you.

Tuesday 12th November

This is the prick that I sat next to at a show tonight.

He had no concept of personal space nor did he have any consideration for others.

I really didn't need his leg rubbing against mine, either.

I can't begin to express how much I dislike him and therefore I fine him $21.61 and I curse him too.

Wednesday 20th November

An elderly Asian chap with a mouth mask was sitting on the tram minding his own business.

Then this knob got on, sat next to him and started having a go for no reason at all - well, unless being a loser is a reason.

He was saying things like: "Wearing a mask is stupid - you look stupid". "You're Asian and should know better". "You don't know what you are doing because you're stupid". "What did you do in the World Wars?". Plus plenty more.

It was a weird collection of disjointed and rude things and then he got up and left the tram.

I am being lenient and will only fine him $37.19 but won't be sorry to hear that something nasty has happened to him.

This woman and her friends behaved disgracefully at the Leonard Cohen day-on-the-green gig.

We all paid a lot to be there and that is because we wanted to go and listen to Leonard. We did not pay to listen to this troll who thought that she was hilarious.

She was not hilarious - not even close - she was annoying, loud, rude and disrespectful to all around her.

When asked to be quiet by a chap, she said no and became louder.

I hate her and fine her $49.99

Also at the Leonard Cohen gig were four friends - of which I captured three here.

I don't think that they cared where they were - they drank a lot, they talked and chatted and paid little attention to the stage. And they were loud.

What is wrong with these people?

They didn't let up for the whole gig as they chatted and looked at thinks on their phone.

I hate them too and also fine them $49.99

I am all for people looking however they are comfortable, but that doesn't mean that a fine of $1.25 isn't earned for having that hair.

As for the clothes, I'll let him off with a warning.

Thanks you tosser - I'll go and find somewhere else to park then.

But I fine you $4.49 and hope that you develop an embarrassing rash.

Originally I thought it was a hat. then I thought that it might be a growth.

But no, this was how she chose to do her hair.

And $1.25 is the size of the fine she gets for that decision.