This man has the audacity to act like his hair is acceptable.

Hopefully the $1.25 fine will put him straight that it isn't.

If I wanted to hear you play the drums, I'd ask.

So shut the hell up and let me hear the real music, you dumb-arse.

That's a $2.15 fine.

Ok - that's enough now.

When, on a Monday, I ask you how you are, if you reply along the lines of, "not bad ..... for a Monday" or anything that is suffixed with "for a Monday", then I will be fining you $1.

If you follow this comment with a laugh, then that will incur an additional 79 cent fine.

There - you've been warned. Now stop it.

I know that circumstances aren't good for you. I know that your health isn't great. I know that you needed a piss.

But I didn't need to see you whip that out and water the plants on the street.

And when you'd finished, you could have put it away quickly rather than let it get a tan.

So put it away and pay a fine of $4.43

Ok, so it's early and we're the only two in the office, but that doesn't mean that you can play music out loud.

You've got headphones - use them.

That's a $1.14 fine you inconsiderate maggot.

I'm unsure whether there is a wrestlers convention in town or he is just a knob.

If it's the latter, then it comes with a $2.00 fine.

Hey Blueberry Cafe - $5 for a cup of tea? You've got to be kidding.

You can get stuffed you over-priced maggots.

That's a $5 fine for taking such a liberty.

You're on your own at the table, but you're not on your own in the cafe.

You've been talking on your phone far too loudly for far too long now.

That's a $4.82 fine you bore.

Sometimes we need to scratch and/or rearrange our crown jewels, but that's now twice you've had both hands down there.

For showing no discretion, I fine you $3.14

I went to the The Stray Sisters and these two jerks stood there chatting and ignoring the band.

I asked them to keep it down and the bloke said, "I can hear them fine - can't you?". What a prick.

Then later on he came up and said that as they had been talking around where I was, they'd take me back stage after the gig to meet the girls - as they were their cousins.

I declined their offer, but appreciated it.

But their talking was still an offence that will cost them a $2.62 each.

I am being stared at by the son of Voldermort, but I'm not scared and I am fining him 11 Sickles and 4 knuts.

Walking by Etihad Stadium, there was a man with a suit on but no shoes or socks.

He was on his knees looking into the stadium.

If he thinks that there really is a footy god, then he is in for a surprise.

That's a $0.55 fine for losing your shoes at 2 in the afternoon.

Thursday 10th April

Tristine. I fine you £27.91 for driving your car into the back of the one I was driving.

I was stationary as were the 4 cars in front of me.

Anyway ..... a) nobody was hurt b) it was your fault and c) it's not my car.

So we all move on.

Monday 14th April

I'm sitting here having my first cup of tea of the day and this troll kicked the table as she walked by spilling my tea.

She turned to look, shrugged and walked on.

That's a fine of £1.99 for not saying sorry plus an additional £0.54 for having two ugly children.

Monday 14th April

There is nothing wrong with having a picnic.

My issue is that you are sitting in the car park (photo 1) when if you walked 20 metres, you'd be in the grounds of Highclere Castle (photo 2) with beautiful lawns and views - huge gardens where others were sitting and having picnics and/or relaxing.

Your decision was weird enough to generate a £2.15 fine.

Wednesday 16th April

There was a brief period back in the early 1980s when it was tolerated if a chap wandered around with his sweater tied around his neck. But those days are long gone and such behaviours are suitably frowned upon nowadays.

Unless you are this knob in Barcelona who has gone a step further and buttoned up his cardigan - yes, cardigan - and tied it around his neck like it is a normal thing to do.

You sir, are an arse - an arse who I am fining €1.76.

Wednesday 16th April

I chose to sit on this open topped bus to enjoy the views of Barcelona - and lovely it was.

However, for some reason, you think that my view would be enhanced by having your hair in my face.

On this point, we have differing views. My view is that I am fining you €0.83.

Wednesday 16th April

We had been warned about the scallywags in Barcelona - the low-life's who would steal from you as quick as look at you.

We saw these scallywags that had been caught by the police.

I was expecting such sorts to look more villainous, but I suppose that would stop them being as effective.

Anyway, I was pleased to see that the Rozzers had got these maggots and I am fining them a straight €7.08 each for not caring about anyone else and doing their dastardly deeds without conscience.

Thursday 17th April

On the hop-on, hop-off bus again, there are limited rules to follow - you have your map and you have your headphones to listen to their commentary. Other than that, remain seated and use the front doors to go upstairs and the back stairs to come down.

This man is the matriarch of a family who would not follow the instructions regardless of how often the assistant told them.

I really don't like people who think that the rules that everyone else follows aren't applicable to them.

I am fining this arse €7.79 for him and his families bad behaviour.

Thursday 17th April

People (including myself) are happy to mock people who wear their pants low down and are amazed that people can walk and keep their trousers from falling down.

This woman has got around the 'gusset around the knees' issue by having a gusset just above her ankles. Since when did it become acceptable to walk around like this?

This ridiculous look generates a fine of €0.64.

Friday 18th April

I was going to fine a man for blatantly giving oral satisfaction to another man on the street.

On closer inspection, it was just an vigorous shoe-shine chap doing what he does - it was the angle that deceived.

Saturday 19th April

When I was in Paris in 2012, I was plagued by people singing, whistling or playing 'Those Were The Days' by Mary Hopkins. This resulted in fines each time.

Now I am in Barcelona, having a nice meal, when this chap came along to play some songs for to earn himself some money.

It was going well until he drifted into that dreaded song.

I am fining him the €2 (which is what I had given him when he had finished).

Saturday 19th April

Sitting at the table of a lovely restaurant enjoying fine food and the environment - a nice evening was being had.

Then, on the next table, this American girl and her boyfriend light up their cigarettes as though it was an acceptable action.

I know that in Spain it is allowed, but they were from the US where it isn't, so why would they not have the mind-set of considering the people around them? Because they were tossers - that's why.

So for that, I fine her the joint fee of €3.32

Sunday 20th April

Oh to be in Barcelona with all the wonderful architecture and then heading into the Gothic area with all its atmospheric laneways, shops and views.

Then again, you could be these girls who spent about 10 minutes taking pictures of each other outside Starbucks.

For being as vacuous as this implies, I fine them each the sum of €0.66.

Sunday 20th April

I was shocked to see that a person could dress like this in a city with the class of Barcelona.

It is not acceptable anywhere.

A token fine of €0.37 as I shake my head.

Tuesday 22nd April

Relaxing in the lounge area of the hotel and reading my book, I was not expecting this girl to sit down and start browsing her phone while it played music out loud.

And she didn't seem to think that this might be an issue.

Think again you mole and pay the €1.19 noise pollution fine.

Tuesday 22nd April

Queueing can be a challenge in different countries where the culture around such activities varies, but really.

We were in the queue and the queue was easy to recognise and this chap just wandered up and stood next to us without any eye contact or anything are proceeded to shadow us step by step as the queue progressed before finally slipping in front of us for his victory.

Throughout the 6 or 7 minutes of queueing, he didn't open himself up to anyone and kept himself busy.

I am fining the cock €1.13

Tuesday 22nd April

Upon taking my seat on the plane, it was apparent that there was somebody in the vicinity that had forgotten that deodorant exists for a reason.

As a result, there was a very bad smell that I discovered and it was emanating from the man sitting in the seat directly in front of me.

So what to do or what to say?

Being a repressed Englishman, I can't shout out, "Oi! You smelly bastard - go and have a wash, you pig" as that is apparently considered rude.

So I did the next best thing and sat there and said nothing.

Luckily, he kept his arms by his side so there wasn't much seepage after a while.

But still, I am fining him €0.89

Thursday 24th April

So we're on the bus and a family (grandmother, grandfather, their daughter and their grand-daughter) get on board.

The Grandparents sat down and the daughter stood there and held her child.

And then the bus started off so another man got up so that the daughter could sit down. The grandfather thanked him.

Well .. how about you stand up and let your daughter sit with her child rather than expect a stranger to do it?

Why should somebody else have to do the right thing and you don't.

Unacceptable and a fine of $2.23 to you.

Saturday 26th April

Going on the night safari, there are trams that silently pull you around the grounds close to various areas where the animals feed and relax in the dark. They ask all people to stay quiet, remain seated, not to lean out the tram and not to use flash photography.

Zoo: fine number 1
The father of the family behind was standing up all the time and leaning out and actually got out at one stop to take a picture of his family - which is disturbing to the animals (and me). Fine of $1.12

Zoo: fine number 2
That man's wife and their kid made loads of screeching noises and animal impressions each time we came across animals - despite plenty of people asking and telling them to be quiet. Fine of $2.43

Zoo: fine number 3
As mentioned, we were told not to use flashes, but of course these were rules that didn't apply to some on these tossers and they kept being told to stop doing it - but kept doing it. Fine of $3.92

Zoo: fine number 4
And then the chap in front of me (see photo) made a phone call and sat there chatting to his mate in a not-quiet way - wanker. Fine of $2.14

Sunday 27th April

So there we were, recovering from the heat and sitting in the restaurant of our hotel with the fan next to us.

Then four people came in and sat at the next table and this woman reached over and turned the fan onto their table without saying a word - no "excuse me" or "may I?".

What a rude cow and then she started muttering to her friends and kept turning to look at us.

As you can see from the photo - looking at her was quite disturbing for us.

Anyway, the waiter came over and set the fan at a distance so that we could all benefit.

But still, the troll is being fined $4.44.

So I'm wandering around the street and nearly tripped over these two babies crawling around on a dirty pavement outside a shop.

The mother (or mothers) were just rabbiting away without caring that people had to step over their little darlings.

I have no issue with the kids - they were doing what they do.

But the mothers who didn't care about anyone else each receive a fine of $2.86.

I was catching up with a friend in a small cafe and these two morons sat there talking really loudly to each other.

They were over-laughing at the drivel they were talking and high-fiving each other like they were two 12 years old in an American teenage sitcom.

I don't mind conversation, laughter and, at a stretch, a high-five - but these two pushed too far on all categories and receive a joint fine of $1.36.

Hey lady - when your kid drops all her sweets on the floor of a cafe, how about you make some attempt to pick them up rather than just pick the tin up (and nothing else).

And don't look down your nose at the world.

A $2.61 fine for taking no responsibility, you mole.

It's 5:20am on a Monday morning and I am greeted by a wild man. There were two others on the tram and he parked himself next to one poor girl who had to endure the smell - I was 2 seats away and it wasn't good.

And then there were the rantings between him and the various imaginary people that he was talking to.

It did amuse me when he started talking to one invisible person and told them that he was on a tram and it looks like he was either in Germany or Pompeii - he wasn't sure which.

But I don't wish to have have this madness on a Monday morning, but as I feel sorry for him, the fine is only $0.06

This was the support for a rather excellent gig. And she (plus her guitarist and pianist) were appalling - unbelievably so. I thought that it might have been a joke - but apparently not.

There were people near us who giggled a bit as it was that bad. Carolyn and I couldn't look at each other to prevent laughing too much. When it finished, others near us were commenting on how bad it was too.

So I fine her $4.08. I will let her musicians off with a warning. I fine the venue $8.67 for booking her. And I fine each of her family and friends who have encouraged her, $0.84 each.

First thing in the morning - I'm off to work and this was on the tram.

She was certainly not her best - well, I hope that is the case.

When she got up, she stumbled on her heels and was heading my way.

I'm relieved that she caught herself before my day was ruined. But for the scare, I fine her $2.96.

So it's a public holiday. Yes.

But a 15% surcharge because it's a public holiday? Get lost.

You choose to open or you choose to close - that is your choice and you shouldn't charge your customers for that decision.

Disgraceful behaviour and I fine you $1.50

I was meeting a friend out at Eltham and had to visit the Gentlemen's to relieve myself.

This chap was at the urinal next to me and left the spot prior to finishing and therefore dribbled on the floor before putting it away and zipping up. He then washed his hands and left.

I nipped ahead of him for the photo.

So for the weird series of events - or for not doing things in the right sequence - I fine him $3.61

This chap was browsing CDs and then asked the chap behind the till if they had any Michael Jackson stuff.

He said that he wanted early stuff as he preferred Michael's voice before he hit puberty and it broke.

I'm pretty sure that Michael Jackson's voice never broke - it never changed - what did this chap hear?

For confusing the attendent, I fine him $0.04

A happiness group! God help me.

Standing next to the cafeteria clapping, false laughing, chanting.

Basically being tossers.

I don't know what they're getting from it, but it gave me the shits.

A group fine of $10.14

This is a man - not a child - a man!

So for dressing like an arse, looking like an arse and wearing arse shoes, I fine him $2.89.

Not acceptable.

Sitting there looking gormless is fair enough - it was 5:45am.

But putting on a plaster and throwing the paper on the floor and then rolling a ciggy and brushing the excess on the floor, I fine you $1.07 for being so selfish and disrespectful.

Every stop has rubbish bins, so it isn't difficult, you knob.

I took this a while ago but forgot about it until now, so a belated fine of $0.03 for proudly wandering the streets like this.

It gave me a bit of a start.

Having fined this man previously for a) pissing and b) spitting, today I saw him go into the bushes to top up his water bottle - the bottle used when he cleans people's car windows.

He clearly has issues, but I am still fining him $0.94 for window peeing.

What a menace!

Hey! We've just finished eating, but I'm still drinking my coffee, so why bring the bill?

Hey! I'm still drinking my coffee, so why return and ask if I'm ready to pay?

Hey! Don't tell me that there are others waiting for a table when I am still drinking my coffee, you arse of a man.

I'm out of here and will never return to 'Between Us' on Mailing Road in Canterbury.

Plus, a fine of $91 which was the cost of the brunch for the four of us.

He can dress in any way that he likes. He can have lots of big-linked chains around his neck. He can wear big girls shoes that make him look like a knob. No worries.

But to sit there talking such bollocks, that will cost you a $3.21 fine. Now shut the hell up.

Mate - Put it away - that's all.

Oh - plus a fine of $0.53.

End of story.

When I was young, I wore platform shoes, but I grew up.

Yours are bad enough, but the ones you are buying are ridiculous.

For not knowing better, I fine you $1.34

Mate - you're at work - you're not alone.

Regardless, whistling is annoying most of the time, but in these circumstances it is unacceptable.

So that'll be a fine of $4.41

Now listen here ... I do know that fashion isn't my thing and it's great that people try new things all the time.

But, trousers this short, no socks and brown formal shoes?

No!

So much so that I fine you $2.49

Nice cafe in Auburn - but it contains a large variety of knobs.

This old bag was blocking the way past so somebody had to squeeze by only for the bag to say (loudly),
"No wonder she she couldn't get by. Did you see the size of her bum?".

You're a classy piece of work and I am fining you $4.17

Is it unkind to fine somebody who dresses without caring what anyone else thinks?

I have a fine of $2.03 that says "No".

This man (yes, I said man) was very loud on the 5:30 tram this morning.

It's great that you're happy but shut the hell up and pay a fine of $1.43 for disturbing my peace.

Thanks for your text and the information.

However, to the Marketing genius at your company, as you can't be arsed to say who you are, I fine you $2.13.

I'm not calling to find out who you are - that's not how it works.

So you take drugs - well done you.

But for getting on the tram with the syringe tucked behind your ear, blood on your shirt and a stupid haircut (that I couldn't capture on film), I fine you $2.04