It has been interesting visiting the 8 different versions of me and seeing the worlds that they lived in. The more time I spent with them, the more I remembered about them, the places they went, the people they knew and the events they used to attend. I remembered the pace and energy of the eras, the technology, the options, the smells, the fashions, the views and the cultural breakdown. I can see the evolution of society and how I evolved within those constraints.

When I lay my life out as a linear view, I can trace back some threads that have run throughout, and that is what this project was all about - to track my views and behaviours - to see where different traits originated from or whether they are the result of how I am wired.

To be able to do a proper breakdown, I need to determine characteristics and seek them out in the narrative.

Themes that repeatedly came up were:

. My lack of applying myself and learning
. Being unemotional
. My lack of joining in and generally being non-demonstrative
. Striving for and maintaining my independence
. Living in the moment
. My desire for and meeting new folk and nurturing my friendships
. My search for adventures and stimulation
. My enjoyment in watching the day
. Living a simplistic lifestyle
. Continually assessing and trying to understanding who I am

So now to evaluate those traits and where they originate from ...


My lack of applying myself and learning

I have looked at this one from a few angles and have determined that I have a sort of learning disability. I say that without any official backing or subject knowledge – it is just my theory. But looking back it seems quite clear that the way I am wired means that I don’t grasp what is being written in factual books and I don’t learn when somebody is delivering facts to me. I just don’t understand what I am being told or how I am supposed to store that information.
When I was at school, information was just dished out this way and I was expected to remember it and be able to recall it when asked. I never could.

My problem was/is a) the comprehension of what I was being told and b) being able to recall when tested on it later – it didn’t help that the questioning was more cryptic than literal. I struggled with both - I just didn’t know what they wanted from me.

What I now know is that I need to build up information my own way, so if somebody is telling me something, I have lots of questions I need answering before I can fully understand the realm we are dealing with. If I am allowed to build up the story through questions, then I end up with a really solid understanding of the subject.

So my issue is that I seem to have only the one way to learn and nothing else really works for me.

Another way this impacts me is when in meetings – some people take notes as somebody is relaying information, but I can’t because it is not how I grasp it. I have to hear the whole thing, assess it, understand it and can then sum it all up and write about it. However, in meetings, topics move too quickly for me to have understood one topic before the next is being discussed – so I tend to not get everything I need from such meetings.

I can see how the above behaviour is reflected in many aspects of my life, but it isn’t a big impact in how I live and how I communicate – it is purely on how I receive information.

In some ways, this helps me when problem solving or helping others as I tend to find the core of what is being discussed by how I review and comprehend.

So none of this comes from experience or as a result of anything – this is just how I am wired.


Being unemotional

I have always been very strongly mastered/ruled by my mind and not my emotions – though not exclusively. When people talk to me I evaluate on logic. But I am also very empathetic – though that is doesn’t mean I feel the emotion that others have, but I know it’s there and I understand it. I have been complemented on my ability to see through things and find the core of topic with clarity and I think this is why.

I have looked at whether I might be avoiding emotion or covering something up, but I can’t find that within me. I have thought back on my childhood and to whether anyone seemed particularly emotional and I couldn’t find too much in there. All the family got on well and spent lots of time together, so familiarity and comfort existed, but maybe I didn’t get to experience or witness much emotion. That leads to the question of whether I didn’t learn emotion from experience or it wasn’t there. But looking at how I learn, maybe it existed and I didn’t recognise it.

I don’t know what the answer is, but I would think that even if I didn’t live amongst emotion as a kid, I have done enough and experienced enough in life for it to surface if it is in there. The fact that it hasn’t means that I will go for the conclusion of it is just how I’m wired.


My lack of joining in and generally being non-demonstrative

Most of my time I am unnoticed and I like it that way - I am most happy when in the shadows – I don’t go out of my way to be seen or heard. I don’t like “joining in with stuff” or performing in any way. I don’t particularly enjoy being amongst people who are the opposite – people who act like performers make me quite uncomfortable.

I wondered whether this has a core of not feeling worthy and therefore stay out of view – that would be a textbook reason – but looking into it, that isn’t the reason. I have determined that it comes from my early days and being amongst so much family and being the youngest of all my cousins etc. I remember people were always asking me stuff about everything – “do you like this?”, “what about this?”, “do you want this?” etc. etc. I got fed up of being asked stuff and would search for whatever answer I could give that would stop any further questions – my answers were nothing to do with truth but to do with wanting people to shut up. That escalated into more than “shut up” and moved into “leave me alone”.

I think that feeling of “leave me alone” has been with me since then and I don’t like to be pushed into situations that require me to be out front when not required. The place where that differs is at work where I am more than happy to organise and manage things, but I guess that isn’t using the personal side of who I am – it’s just business.

An anomaly in this is around creativity and the projects I do and things I share online – I do put myself out there but in a measured way. I only release things that I am comfortable with –maybe some of things I do aren’t great, but I am proud of the process, the effort or the result – otherwise it won’t make it past my filters.

So this one is a learnt behaviour from when I was a kid.


Striving for and maintaining my independence

This feels like a natural follow-on to the previous point. I think that I felt pestered too much as a kid and just wanted to be left alone and that generated the feeling of wanting independence – my own space where nobody ruled but me.

I remember the day that I moved into my first house and made a cup of tea and when I put the mug down, I stared at it thinking that the only way that mug would ever move would be if I moved it – it was a wonderful feeling – I had my space and when I closed the door behind me, I left the world outside and could just be.

I had strived for independence since I can remember, but it is a reaction to circumstance rather than just being how I am wired.


Living in the moment

I am always very focussed on today – living and being present now. I do enjoy memories and there are some things that I look forward to, but both of those aspects are shadows. I am present with what I am doing, the people I am with, and the events around me. There is a lot to be said for being this way as it allows me to submerge into whatever is going on and to be able to give of myself – so it teaches me about those I’m with, myself in how I experience the world, and how I react to what is around me.

Because I live this way, I don’t tend to be thinking much about what is not within my realm e.g. I think about people who are around and not those that aren’t. And being that way means that I don’t miss people who are elsewhere, but I am fully focussed on them when they are present. I feel that my friendships are strong because I am present and involved in them when I am with them.

When my mate died many years ago, it did raise the question in my mind about whether I was present or not – it had never crossed my mind before then – but the conclusion I made then was that I was already a bit like that – that still seems true.

I also wonder about my attention span and how easily distracted I can be – I think that just concentrating on the here and now is something I can manage easier than my thoughts being shared further afield. So it may be a coping mechanism around that.

So as any kid does, I just played with whatever was in front of me. Then at school, it was the same until there started to be talk about needing to learn and be good enough to pass exams – that was something outside of the moment and it was not something I could ever embrace as it was beyond my grasp. As I have gone through life, there isn’t much that I have ever done to plan for the future. My home buying has been to support living in the moment i.e. providing a solid base so that I don’t have to think about it and can just get on with living.

As I write this, it is during the covid-19 lock-down where my way of life has altered hugely, but its impact isn’t huge on me. I think that each day I wake and make choices on what I will do based upon available options. If the options are limited, I still make the same decisions based on those that exist. So all that has changed is the number of options, not my life or how I live it.

So I can’t determine whether this is learnt or wired. It seems to have been in me all along, but it could be my reaction to what was around me. I can’t make a call on this one.


My desire for and meeting new folk and nurturing my friendships

I have always had a larger friendship group than a lot of others maintain or have the desire to. Some believe that if you have too many friends, then you aren’t committed enough to any of them to give them what they deserve. I understand that but I don’t think that it applies to me for what we talked about before – living in the moment. I have a busy diary but I ensure that all gaps are filled with friend catch-ups. I am also aware of who I haven’t seen for a while and make plans to rectify that. Maintaining quality friendships requires work and that is something that is worth putting all the required effort into - and when I am with friends, they have all of my attention.

As I’ve gone through the project, one of the questions has been “Why are people your friend?” and I’ve struggled with that throughout. So rather than think about what people might see in me, I’ll approach it be thinking what it is about others that make them people I want to be friends with – through that an answer might come.

I value people who are open to share with me and are interested in what I have to say. I like people who are open to being questioned and probed. I like those that take the piss and have a laugh too. Intelligence is important and a good imagination is a great thing. I like spontaneity and conversations that take unexpected twists and turns. I like people who aren’t pretentious. I like people who are comfortable in who they are.

To all the things I’ve just listed, it generates interest and attraction to me and that is why I pursue those friendships. So with that said, I imagine that I provide some of that in return.

But that doesn’t explain why I seem to have so many friends. Do I pursue them or do I come across them? Probably a bit of both. When I think about the places I have made friends, the biggest answer would be through work, but outside of that, from all sorts of places and events and random exchanges.

I think that I’ve always had the desire to seek out interesting folk and as I am not much of a reader, the stories I get are from what people tell me. I love hearing tales from others. Interestingly, the more people I meet and the more stories I hear, the more I appreciate how easy my life has been. Maybe I have had it too easy and that is why I need to keep bringing spice into my world through friendships and meeting folk. It sounds plausible for now, but I am not sure if the younger versions of me were driven like that. I think that the younger versions of me were looking for people they could connect with as I was probably bored with things going too easy – a fire will go out if you don’t keep adding to it and maybe my fire needs a lot of stoking.


My search for adventures and stimulation

This has been a theme throughout my life and once again, I don’t know where it started. I did love Tintin books and the adventures he’d have. And in the movies that I watched, seeing people discover secret passages and that kind of a thing always made me want similar for myself. And best of all was time travel – that has always been exciting as a thought and concept.

Going to places that I don’t know is attractive. Trying things without preconceptions is great. I trust my instincts and end up following whims and omens at the drop of a hat. I have had periods of saying yes to things without questioning on the theory of, if it’s an offered opportunity, then I’d be a fool to ignore it.

My previous answer implies that I might be bored because I don’t have much to worry about, but that does seem a bit simplistic. I guess that it is the same logic of “If you talk, you only hear what you already know. If you listen, that is where the lessons are”. So applying that to opportunity, if I stay with what I know, then I will know nothing more. Step outside and there are adventures to be had and lessons to be learnt. I like that as my explanation.

I will say that this is a learnt behaviour from when I was a kid looking for things to do as I was too young to appreciate what others around me were doing, so I went looking for things that fed my fire.


My enjoyment in watching the day

Though I am often busy, I also have always allowed myself plenty of “me time” so that I can just be. I can sit and watch the world go buy for ages – sitting outside a cafe having a drink and just observing what goes on is a delight. I enjoy seeing how people interact or just go about their business. I am not sure what I think about – I think that a lot of the time, I just watch. In some ways it is meditative and allows my mind to slow down and relax. It then finds space and ponders things. I know this as I can be staring at things and not thinking and I get great ideas or solutions to appear fully formed – without me being aware that my mind was working on them.

Though this has been a theme for a lot of my later years, I don’t think that this appeared within me as a trait until 1996 when I lived at Penarth Marina in Cardiff. I would sit outside in the evenings and stare at the water and listen to the ropes brushing the masts and just stare and ponder. I think that was a period when I started slowing down a bit from the more hectic pace that I tended to live. The year after that, I lived in Oxford and my life slowed down even more. So I can see when it started, but I am not sure why it happened or whether it was needed, but it has stayed with me since and it sits well within me.


Living a simplistic lifestyle

My parents were not wealthy, but not poor either – they had their struggles, but slowly got themselves into a more stable position. As a kid, I can’t remember doing without stuff, though looking back, there were a few hand-me-downs in there, but on the whole I did pretty well. As for toys, there were none that I really valued - other than my stuffed panda – the rest were just things I played with. So as a kid, I didn’t value my possessions much and that carried on throughout my school life. I would buy books, records and tapes, but not much else.

As I grew up, I certainly never spent much on fashion – I have never really had a style and therefore that was not something that needed feeding. I was a jeans and T-shirt chap. When I owned houses, I would buy the stuff for them – though having a father who was an interior designer certainly sorted that out.

So possessions have never been a thing for me particularly. I also don’t like clutter, so even if I am not clean, my places have always remained tidy. So my physical world is sparse and I like it that way.

I live simply. I am organised and well paced. I am usually early to things and I rarely need to rush. I just like to relax and enjoy things without wasting energy or irrelevant things. I like to be in a position of reaction – so at any time, if I feel like not doing something or choosing to do something else, then I just do that.

It is for those reasons that I talk about having a simplistic life. It isn’t jarring or stressful. It doesn’t have waste or clutter. It isn’t complicated. But it is very rewarding.

I think that being on time and being prepared probably comes from the way my folks were. But they had plenty of possessions and decoration and pictures around the place, so that kind of set up wasn’t something I adopted – but not as a deliberate choice – it just isn’t my way.

So on this topic, I think that I am this way as a mixture of nature and nurture.


Continually assessing and trying to understanding who I am

I didn’t question myself, my thoughts, my motivations or my drives until I was about 20 or 21. Around then, as I was meeting more and more people, along with that came great conversations that challenged me and allowed me hear what I had to say and what opinions I had. I also realised how many areas I was blind to in terms of knowledge – I wasn’t worldly wise but that started to change. And also meeting girls required having to have something to talk about too. It was my social awakening – probably a bit later than desirable, but better late than never.

And for me, getting to know other people was also about getting to know about me. The more people I met the more I realised and observed my evolution. Somebody would ask me a question and then a few months later, when asked the same question, I’d discover that my opinion had changed – but I wouldn’t have realised if I hadn’t been asked.

It was then that I realised that the current me was who I needed to be. In all social groups, you fall into a role that fits with the other people – once all have settled into their position, the group can function properly. But it only works when all are in their place – then the pack is complete. I discovered that I would become more agitated when stuck in a position that no longer fitted – I think that is why I would have so many friends – it allowed me space to grow and develop.

So meeting new people holds up a mirror to me. Hearing tales make me question myself. Seeing behaviours makes me reflect on where I sit with them. I think that I look for inspiration all over the place - to question how things are and where I fit in relation to them. I try and see things from the perspective of others as that helps me see what I am doing. I do all my little projects (included this one) as a way of understanding me and the world I live in as well.

I like to make good decisions and these manage the doors in my life. As a kid, there were so many doors (possibilities) available to me and with each action or decision, some doors will have closed and others would have opened. And as time goes on, some doors close due to age, location, action and decision. And others open through the people I meet, the things I do and the choices I make. Foolish decisions can result in so many doors closing and it is hard to open a closed door in this analogy. So my door management skills are key to how I live my life. I like where I am at and I hope to have many doors to choose from moving forwards.

So this trait is just the same as everyone else – so it isn’t really something to evaluate. I just mentioned it as it seemed prominent from the questions asked of me in this project.


The end

So there we are. I looked over my life and tried to understand whether the 7 year old me was a good indicator of who I am now. And I think that most of my traits were established by the age of 7 and the premise is correct.